Lan time. I’m sitting on the floor with my laptop while everyone else is playing games. I don’t need a desk because I can sit anywhere, so I’m getting a sore ass. I can’t play the games because I don’t have a mouse… its a bit hard to play when you haven’t got a mouse. And I’ve noticed, the internet is so dead. Nothing has been happening, its a bit depressing. So I thought I’d blog, just to say that.

I need a pillow

Its a quarter to five on an ordinary everyday Thursday. I’m sitting on the couch at my sister’s place, happily trundling my way around the internet. Watching terrible soaps on the tv (not so much watching, as having them playing for background noise so I don’t feel too lonely). Wishing it was still raining outside, but desperate for sunshine and fresh air. Missing Sam ever so much.

There’s the pain though. I’ve damaged my ears somehow, we’re putting it down to the ear plugs I’ve been wearing of late. My entire right side of my face and head just ache, constantly. Its beginning to get hard to swallow, and its a bit hard for me to close my mouth. I don’t think its associated, but in the last few hours a number of very painful sores have begun appearing in my mouth, all of them on the right hand side. My ear hurts, there’s a constant crackling sound and it feels very… wet? Its like there’s water trapped in my ear, and although some of it is slowly seeping out, the rest doesn’t go away. Its even causing pain down my neck into my shoulders.

So I’ve stopped wearing them, sleep has not been happening though. And I can feel my anxiety levels going through the roof. Aiee.

Been struggling with depression again, the last month or so has been hard. Not how I saw myself leading the time after my wedding. I don’t put the way I’m feeling down to the fact that I’m married at all though, nor does it have anything to do with Sam (except for making things a little difficult between us). Mostly, the lack of work and the lack of company other than Sam and Anton are the causes. I went two weeks without going any further than the letterbox. And in those two weeks, the only people I saw were Sam and Anton. And that was only for a few hours between them getting home from work, and going to bed.

With no outside contact, I’ve been leading a very introverted, lonely existence. It was nice for the first week or so. An opportunity to reflect, rest and think about things. To try and sort my life out. The months leading up to the move to Perth and the subsequent week or so thereafter were some of the busiest, stressful months of my life. I enjoyed them, every step of the way (apart from the problems with the deli) and would live them again but all I wanted was a break. I got that break, but there doesn’t seem to be any end to it.

I’ve been feeling less and less like dealing with people, become irritable, cranky, anxious and snappy. Well, I shouldn’t say less and less like dealing with people perhaps… I mean, I want company because I know I’ll feel moderately better if I see people more often but I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer feel comfortable around company again. Its frustrating feeling awkward around people when you’d finally gotten over that.

I tried to curb my tempers the other week. But it seems as though I’d begun to rub off on Sam, so he was feeling much the same as I was. He too doesn’t socialise anymore, but at least he sees people during the day while he’s at work. We’ve become hermits of sorts, and its making us both irritable. So I tried, I tried a lot, but it was hard to curb tempers when Sam’s nerves were so frayed as well.

So Sam and I sat down last Friday and we talked, something we don’t seem to have done in awhile. We spoke about how we’ve been feeling, and I told him my depression was back. I apologised for the way I’d been behaving, and we agreed that something needed to be done to fix things. I won’t go into what we decided needed to be done, I’d rather not that’s all, but I can say with some certainty that things have changed a little in the last week. For the better.

I’ve smiled more, laughed more, felt happier and more like myself than I have in awhile. I still don’t feel as though the shackles are loosened enough for me to break free from them… but I know I’m well on my way. Part of it was the relief of talking about it. I’d been so ashamed of the way I’d been feeling, that I tried to hide it from Sam (he’d noticed, of course, but didn’t want to speak about it in case it upset me) for as long as I could. I just didn’t want him to think badly of me. Or to hear any accusations, or blame… Childish of me I know, he’s my husband and I’ve always been able to talk to him about anything and everything. But I hadn’t been able to help it.

So yeah, the relief of telling him how I’ve been feeling has gone a long way to making me feel better.

Since writing the above I’ve had a phone call from Sam (he’s currently in Newman for work, 1184km away). Funny thing was, he wanted me to call him tonight. To share out the phone bill a bit while he’s away (weird). Apparently he forgot though and really wanted to hear my voice, so he rang me as soon as he was able to. After telling me to go to the doctor’s about the above (I can’t so we argued about that for a few minutes) he went on to tell me that he really IS serious about moving up there.

He wants to do fly-in/fly-out. So he’d be up there for work 3 weeks, then come back for one week off. I’d see him one week out of every four. And of that one week he’d spend the first few days sleeping. Then running around on errands that I was unable to do. Then catching up with mates. And somehow trying to fit me in there somehow. Not taking into consideration the fact that I’d be up here by myself for three weeks with no transport. And I wouldn’t be able to get money, because he’d have the card. My pay would go into his account, when I got a job. Bec said its “no big deal” but it is for me. If he went…

So he said, well… we’ll rent a place up there. You could get a job, and on my off-week I could either stay up there and have a break, or fly back and visit friends and family. Its an option I like better, and frankly its one I’ve been trying to convince him we should do for awhile. We’ll see what happens, he seems really keen. Of course I’d be even more isolated… but Newman has to be better than Perth doesn’t it?

I’m at Mum and Dad’s.

Life is moving along, I wouldn’t go so far as to restrict it to any kind of good or bad, slow or fast descriptors… but its moving.

I’m not working.

We’re still living with Anton up in Perth.

Sam and I are stressed, but happy. Except when it comes to navigating the Kwinana Fwy, and any disagreements that ensue from the strain of having to guide him.

It doesn’t look like we’ll be getting the internet back.

And everything else, is in a letter to Jo that’s going in the post soon. When I finish writing it!

Sometimes life just gets put into perspective. Its weird that it happened to me today, I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was that made me so introspective. What’s really interesting about it though, is that its often things you knew already but for one reason or another was never something you really paid much heed to. Or instituted in your day to day life.

Thoughts for Today.

1. I can choose the people whose opinion’s actually matter to me. People can have an opinion, if that’s something that really floats their boat and I mean enough to them in some way that they feel so strongly about me. This doesn’t mean that their opinion should concern me.

2. Sam, Jo, Sally, Ian, Pop, Dad. These are the people I turn to. The people who know me best, and who I know will always be open and honest with me. Even if sometimes that might hurt. Especially if sometimes they might hurt me. These are the people who know that, even if they do hurt me, I will always eventually “see reason” and calm down. Even if I continue to disagree with them.

3. Sometimes things that you think are a big problem, aren’t. If you think about something too much, you create drama where there isn’t any. This is something that I especially should learn, and acknowledge in every day life. Its a principle that I understand, but have trouble putting into practice. Most dramas in life are imagined.

4. Spending your life worrying about what other people think of you can cause you to live your life in fear of being the person that you really are. Quite a simple thing to understand, really. And something I would imagine most people have been told at one point or another. But really, how many people actually believe it? Its hard not too think badly of yourself if someone puts you down. Say you’re struggling with your weight and someone calls you fat. It takes a lot of personal courage to shrug the comment off. Sometimes it takes even more courage to acknowledge that the barb did indeed bury itself within you and go down the positive affirmation route.

5. People that try and tell you what is best for YOU often don’t know what they’re talking about. They often have too few facts to really understand the person you are. They see the person they want to see, as well as the person you want them to see.

6. Trying to be someone your not never benefited anyone. Lying about who you are as a person can cause problems in the long term. Besides, how do you know that the people whose company you keep aren’t hiding the same things from you that you’re hiding from them. How many people around you are truly honest with themselves and other people about who they really are.

7. Pineapple really is one of my all time favourite fruits.

I’ve been delaying this post. I really should have done it last night but for reasons I cannot explain it didn’t happen. And if I don’t do it now, it won’t happen at all.

So here is my day yesterday in point form.

1. I’m packing up our house, nuff said.

2. I’m cleaning our house at the same time, again nuff said.

3. We recieved the letter in the mail that I discussed yesterday. Still angry.

4. I electrocuted myself.

5. The emergency department at the local hospital are useless. I have always believed this, and was given further evidence to support it last night.

6. I HURT.

I am so mad right now.

We got a letter in the mail this morning from the real estate agent, informing us of a breach. Nothing to do with the rent inspection the other day. This was something entirely different.

They’re breaching us because we haven’t paid a water bill.

It was THEIR responsibility to send us an invoice whenever we had a water bill to pay, but they never have. The last water bill we received, was a week or so after we moved on, and was ALSO in the form of a breach notice. Which we duly paid.

I am FURIOUS!

This estate agent is possibly the worst I’ve ever come across. They’re breaching us, without sending us anything prior to today about it?!?

Come off it!

Asshats.

My head used to be full of so many things. I used to have so many thoughts buzzing around in there that it was hard to keep up with. Why its been having so much trouble lately I don’t understand. Its stagnated; no original thought.

What to do?

Anton came down this weekend, took some of our furniture up to Perth. We’ve got half a couch left in the lounge, and he took the shelves we’re gonna use as a pantry. As well as our chest of drawers. Its suddenly became more “real”, I haven’t really had a chance to look at it properly until now. A week ago, we learned that we’d be moving up to Perth. In another week, we’ll be up there. Its been all so surreal the last few months. Its like life has decided to grab a hold of the reins and steer itself for awhile. I’ve not really had any choice but to go where the flow takes me.

Its good that I wanna go where this flow is heading, at least

I’ll be glad to get out of this slump my brain has been in of late. I am by nature a very tidy, clean person. I hate being surrounded by mess. I think that’s Mum’s influence mostly. And I was clean and tidy when I first met Sam, after I moved in (and, before I did as well!) I cleaned the place in College Grove from top to bottom. And kept it clean, too. Since moving into this place on Picton Road things haven’t been quite the same. Its smaller, but I can’t keep it tidy, let alone clean. And the longer it goes that way, the more I hate having to do it.

So hopefully getting out of here will remedy that somewhat.

Also looking forward to getting away from Bunbury. There’ll be people I’ll miss, especially having our parents so close (although John and Robyn aren’t anywhere near as close as my parents) and a couple of friends, but Perth has friends, opportunities… I think it’ll be good for us. Its probably about time it happened. I know we said we’d never “do” Perth, but here we are. Doing it, lol.

May already have a job. I’d initially told people I DO have one, but after rethinking the conversation I had on the phone it WAS all “You have a job” until I mentioned not being in Perth for another week or so. Then she became rather vague. She gave me contact details and said to call as soon as I get up to Perth, but IS that a job?

Its been raining all morning. And thunderstorming. Beautiful weather. At 10:30, I thought it was only 7:30. I love it when the day feels so much earlier than it really is. There’s something magical about KNOWING its that late, but still having the warm, cozy sensation of it being early. And I love rain, which is great. I’ve got the desire to go down to the Basalt, stand on the rocks and watch the storm beating against the shoreline. At the moment, its just a matter of getting Sam motivated enough to go, too.

So I went into the bedroom, where he’s drinking tea and reading the book I’m in the middle of, to try and convince him to go down there with me. While talking to him, it occurred to me that there’s a lot of things we won’t be able to do as easily, now that we’re moving to Perth. Dunsborough, and therefore Castle Rock, are going to be a lot further away now, no longer as accessible in the summer months for swimming, snorkeling and underwater photography. So we won’t get down there as often, and we won’t beach as much either because I hate crowded beaches, but when we do go down it’ll be a proper trek-stay-overnight-styles’o'thing. Which’ll be great!

Now its got me thinking about all the things that won’t be as easy for us to do anymore. Still doable, certainly. But its a little distressing that the farm won’t be close anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to be like when we move to Tasmania. =\

Maybe this holiday over there with Margs and Dean will help with forming ties over there to partly replace the one’s we’ll be losing. I think I’ll need to get cosy with a couple of farmers

Sam’s debts paid off, and at least $2K in the bank.
Both of us having lost 15kg, and sticking to our healthy eating habits.
If not already building/buying by the end of the five years then in the process of doing so.
Cass: To have finished/or be in the middle of uni.
Sam: To be studying metalsmithing, producing own jewelry/art.
To be living in Perth.
Have gone on holidays to Tasmania.
First child on the way when Cass is 29….

…

Now to work out how to achieve it all

“To create change in your life, the first thing you have to do is dream. Dream of your future. Dream of what you want. Imagine your life as you feel it ought to be lived.” - Coach Yourself; Anthony Grant and Jane Greene